“I Love You!” An analogy of three words put together to have a meaning that defines one. For some this is a difficult phrase others it is a term of endearment. And for some it’s a sacred phrase.
“I Love you Mom!” A term of endearment, who doesn’t love their mothers? Not a question to begotten but a statement to deliver a meaning of affection. I realized early in life that my Mother was my soul mate. Sure Sigmund Freud was a a couple of cards shy of a full deck but the man had an early insight.
Early in life this woman, she always knew the right moment to lift the soul. The day had been long, driving home from work stopped at the convenience store by the house to get my predictable coke and snickers bar. The attendant would be the first to inform me of the death of my best friend from suicide.
An inexplicable anger of wanting to jump the counter and hurt this person for such a violation of truth. Stared at him to realize the hurt present in his eyes. Left my car at the store and ran as fast as humanly possible to my friends house. Walking in the sound of tears, the hurt dripping from the walls, realization of what was in front quickly peeled layers of my youth much like a river running to the ocean takes life with it.
Walked to my house crushed and there she was, arms outstretched, an embrace that 30 something years later I still feel. “God has a plan. Its not for you to judge, its for you to learn from.” The love that escaped my heart to this day can only be described in the easiest of ways. Mom. This woman didn’t put a bandaid on my heart, she stitched it back together.
“I love you Pops!” One day not long ago this lanky kid, walked up to me and just coined the phrase. Who was he and what had he done with the adolescent child who I fought with daily? The strength of those words. The comfort of knowing that somehow I didn’t completely fuck him up.
While quite the opposite of a sons love for his mother, his words were defining. The words dripped with affection, such a strength of emotion. The fact that my blood was circulating in him frightened me. His were not words of endearment but rather a powerful statement of undying belief that no matter what, no one could ever break this bond.
“Rick, he is 40 days pre-mature. We are going to have to do an emergency C-Section the umbilical cord is strangling him. Blood pressure is down and his heart beat has slowed down and we are not sure if he will make it.” At the precise moment my friend explained this, the splinters in my heart started gutting every ounce of who I was.
Not to be denied I made my way to surgery made sure that if we lost him, would be able to see this gift from God breath life. Smaller than my open hand he came to this earth, he was not breathing, his still lifeless body. As my friend frantically worked on him, the emotions of being a father were overwhelming. The tears of fear swelling in my eyes until I heard my mother’s words, “God has a plan.” He finally screamed!
“I love you Andrew.” A child of just over 3lbs, in need of a haircut and shave, and a new form of love encapsulated my soul. Here in front of me was this tiny person who in time through the highs and lows my blistering heart would never heal but only swell with pride. “One man come in the name of Love!”
In the sunrise of my heart, while the scars collect to give memory to each etched moment, life has taught me that the meaning of “I love you” is always escalating. I have loved. I have experienced the pain of expressing this phrase and have also filled it with emotion.
One day my heart with all its intricacies, wounds, bruises met a woman who with abandon filled an empty place inside of it. Amazing is at the time I had given up hope of ever experiencing this truthful emotion. I would never give myself away to anyone, was my belief, was perfectly lonely. However my skin crumbled in her presence. The blood ran faster and deeper than it ever had. I could not understand or define the emotion much less her. For the first time in my life I was afraid of Love.
“I love you!” When the words escaped lips, my heart realized an honesty it had never experienced. There she was, her eyes staring at me. It did not matter to me if she felt the same. This sacred phrase that had been bottled up and would never escape me again had been carved out by this beautiful soul.
The fear. The loneliness. Time does not heal wounds…people do. The temple of those three words defined in moments as adjectives, nouns, verbs, were suddenly flowing out of me like a waterfall with no end.
“Why do you love me?” A question no one had ever asked. The insult was not that she asked but how could she not see or feel this raw emotion in me? “God has a plan!” I had met my match, my lady, my partner, my best friend.
My answer has always skirted with the truth of that emotion, I now put it on paper. YOU, make me want to be a better human being. YOU, fill not a corner of my heart but all of it. YOU, taught me to believe in myself. YOU, have the right words when I don’t. YOU, live inside of me. YOU, are whom I want to wake up to the rest of my life. YOU, are my today, my tomorrow. I don’t want to wake up to anyone else's eyes.
I Love YOU! The deeper meaning is not lost in the phrase, it's exposed in my eyes in all of me. What have I learned? Never ever bottle up the emotion that screams inside of you. I have been to the mountain top and screamed “I love you Teri!” As for the answer to your question, it's inside of YOU!
ME
