In life there is always that day. That day, which is set aside every year to celebrate, ‘the anniversary.’ It is usually a celebration of magnitude, it’s a grandiose event that pulls on the strings of emotion. ‘Every year on November 5th, bring out the candles, blow up the balloons, get the confetti ready, and pop out the champagne, because its time to celebrate the birth of my soul.’ Okay maybe not but at least its a start to this truth of overindulgence and complicated misguided love for living.
Each day is made special by your love. You are truly God’s sweetest blessing endowed upon me. A classic hallmark moment to celebrate the union of two people. What is interesting is the stress that is associated with this celebration. Some put so much emphasis on this annual ritual that lost in translation is the meaning.
Who can forget the day when those eyes walked into the room. Confidently arrogant and disgracefully self absorbed the conversation was both over the top, funny, deliciously flirtatious. What transpired was a lifetime of friendship, a copious amount of freedom in the warmth of two souls. Well at least that is what the alcohol told me.
Years later we bump into each other of all things a Hospital waiting room. The scars of time, the erosion of heart, yet the quiet comfort of those eyes. The only celebration that day was of life. No candles, balloons, confetti, champagne, just the celebration of words. The type of words that provide comfort to the soul.
Its with in me to describe the anniversary of my soul this way. This morning I woke up to a stranger in the mirror, he was not the good looking kid I grew up with. Life had given this reflection scars, eyes were ironic, smile was jaded. Who are you? What has time done with my life? How can I celebrate the anniversary of my life, yet all I want is to be 21 again. To be that care free kid who saw the world so differently.
Recently my parents got married for the second time. The smile on their faces. The tears in each others eyes realizing that their hearts were battle worn. The scars of time had healed all wounds inside of them. Yet when my nephew serenaded them a simple song that screamed for them, “hey look at us, were still here, were still together.” This anniversary was special indeed. My parents survived.
I blinked and life has sped by me without thinking. Every year I count the blessings of life and am grateful for having the ability to still pee standing up. I see the receding hairline and see the moments that have taken away my youth. People always tell you that your only as young as you feel. Well guess what, FUCK you!
When I turn 50 and this is a little premature, if I am lucky enough to get to that number. I know the speech that I would give to myself. “Today the clock ticked to midnight and this sap found 50. Wow 50. I remember when I couldn't wait to turn 21, then that came and went. Then without realizing I was 30. At this point I started to scream slow down sunshine, don’t be in a hurry to get to 40. Then 40 hit and all I could think was what the fuck? And now i’m this sap who is 50.”
Sure the anniversary of this soul has mileage. Hell will always remember a comment my mother said about me to one of her friends. She didn’t know I was in the next room but will always remember. “He is a very good person just doesn't have it in him.” Have always called that comment my deepest darkest secret. Sure I have gone by the road less traveled and at times found reason and at times much like today it aches. Sure the melancholy of what I feel is what it is.
During the ceremony walking mom down the aisle I told her, “Mom the car is running if you don’t want to do this.” Her response filled my heart with hope. “Well we tried it for 50 years whats a couple more years.” I realized so much then and today with that comment. The reality of life slapped me silly when I truly put that comment in perspective.
Then there is the end of life. At the tale end of celebrating your annual pilgrimage to birth is the complicated thought that somehow every year finds a corner in your brain that screams not many of these suckers left in me. My grandmother, depending on who you ask is about to celebrate either 92 years of age or 102 years of age. If your courageous enough to ask her, not only will you meet vanity, but you will meet it with the spice of a woman who still claims to be 35.
When the day comes that my grandmother decides on her terms that its time for her to go tame her soul she will have lived a rich life. The wealth in her is apparent in her eyes. Life has stitched itself to her heart, she has gestated living and through the years has given me an annual reason to celebrate her.
Then there is the glory of the living, March 2. I find a reason to argue with myself that this day should not exist. Moons ago my nephew passed on, gone to young, yet not a day goes by that he is not missed. Yet every year on the anniversary of his passing, there is a sense of loss for me. I don’t see the need to celebrate his passing. This morbid desire to relive this painful wound by acknowledging his anniversary makes no sense to me.
Anniversaries are interesting indeed. Read somewhere of a guy that on the anniversary of his divorce he opens a bottle of scotch to celebrate. Wonder if he were to get married and divorce again if he would open two bottles. The simplicity and stupidity is amusing. At my rate I’m gonna need a case of booze. Move on my friend. Trust me my friend, I looked for that book, it doesn’t exist, put your big girl panties on and call me. Will be more than happy to partake my single barrel Jack with you.
Finally my assumption on anniversaries is that we got to keep on living. We got to keep on fighting and try to cherish every moment that we feel is truly breathtaking. If it means that we aren’t meant for love then find reason to love more. If the ONE who owns your heart says NO to you then love them more. Because in the end its whats inside your heart that matters. So today all I can say is that I still love YOU!
Dedicated for that person who reminds you to use listerine. Who constantly tells you that the sleeves on your jacket are too long. For that person who loves like no other.
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